Guilt and Innocence: A daily primer

And you thought it was summer

So, you all thought that jsut because it was Summer there might not be any columns for your reading enjoyment. Fear not! Here is a nice little column I had to write for a summer issue of The Maneater.

I decided to rebel and instead of pandering to the freshmen (who I'm sure will get enough pandering) I complain about Bush and work in a Lewis Black joke. Here it is: Put your money where your mouth is.

Driver's Lisences not just for driving anymore.

I'd nearly forgotten to present you all with my last and final column of this school year, in which I manage to sccop Time for the second week in a row. That's right, for the past two weeks of columns, Time has had a story on the same topic the week afterwards. So there.

Anyway, this week I tackle the House's shady trick of turning driver's lisences into National ID cards, and stuffing this into an Iraq appropriations bill that no Senator with a hope of political future can vote against. Jerks.

So here it is: Real ID Act hurts more than it helps.

TV makes you dumb and other lies your mother told you

And now for the exciting column where I talk about Steve Johnson's theories about how television makes you smarter. Of course, I did write this before I read his nice alternate universe bit about how, considering this, all readers might as well be sociopaths. Oh, well. Here it is:

Who knew? Television might be good for you.

Columns, Laziness, and Books.

I've had this problem recently, where, since  I can't find a good news event, I've been trying to write about things that bother me in a more general sense.

However, I invariably end up not having enough to say about one aspect of something, so I try to write about two, and then end up not saying much of anything at all. This column is another example of that, I think.

Textbooks, lazy readers threaten good books.

Cookie is for sometimes? I think not.

It's that time of the week again, and this time I am defending Cookie Monster's idiosyncracies, as well as going on my usual rant about parental responsibility. I give you, the column:

Parents more powerful than Cookie Monster’s diet.

Nothing screams American like baseball, politics, and apple pie.

I've almost been forgetting my weekly moment of self-promotion, but here's the column:

House steriod hearings a trite political stunt.

Okay, so there's no apple pie. And I have no idea what I'm talking about because I know next to nothing about baseball, but at least I was transparent about the fact. See. "Transparency." I learned that one in J-1100 so it has to count for something. Well, that and it was half an hour to my deadline and I had to write about something.

Yes, It's Back.

Oh what, you thought after that two week break from column writing I would forget about my Friday, indulgent self-promotion? Fear not, dear readers, I present you with the weekly column:
Jesus couture makes religion trendy, profitable.

(Wow, I can't believe Sadie avoided all the puns she could have made in that headline.)

Campaign Finance Reform: Still Retarded

Yes, my friends, it's time for another thrilling Maneater column. However, it's been brought to me attention that my columns haven't been as funny recently. Well, I'm sorry. You try making campaign finance reform funny.

The best you get is another reference to my love for John McCain.

Taming blogs is impossible on the wild, wild Web

Also, again, I had nothing to do with that headline.

It's a year for exceptions...

I must be a little bit more optimistic this year or something, because this is the second column I have written that had a slightly positive tone. Actually, now that I think about it, my column commending Bush didn't actually have that much of a positive tone, but I was commending Bush... You have to give me credit for something.

Anyway, this week I tackle a beauty pageant in Botswana:

Progressive pageant takes inner beauty, open mind.

Apple, Apple, Orange, Elephant?

Okay, so there are no apples or elephants involved in this weeks column, but this is my blog; I can title the posts whatever I want.

Sometimes, when it comes time to come up with an idea for my column I find myself at a complete loss. In these times I am sometimes forced to write about Kansas, or really tedious, but stupid congressional matters.

Other times, some company or person does something really, really stupid and makes my job as a columnist about ten times easier. This is one of those times.

Read it. I think it's a masterpiece of column writing.

The Column: ‘Orange’ you glad you can trademark the rainbow?.

Also, I had nothing to do with the punny headline, I swear.

Kansas is a Lousy Place to Live..

...and other things you already knew.

I'm really not a fan of my column this week, but I'm giving in and posting it here anyway. Maybe this brief moment of embarrassment will convince me not to write inferior columns in the future. Somehow, I suspect not.

The column: There’s always room for more in Kansas.

The Government In Your Pants

Another Friday passes and there's another column for your reading pleasure.

Medicare’s money shouldn’t enhance Viagra

See the Spectacle: Bush does something right

So, it's that time of the week, again. Yes, my friends it's time once again to read my weekly column in The Maneater. This is an especially astonishing column because I say something nice about our president. Yes, it seems that for once, our bumbling president did something I agree with. So click below and whitness the spectacle, showing for a limited time only.

The Maneater - Don’t like what you see? Turn off your TV.

Naked Roads: May Not Be Suitable for Children

Alas, I jest. Well, not about naked roads. Those are a reality of life. Or, at least, they are in Europe. What is all this nonsense I'm talking about? Why, it's my latest column in the good, old Maneater:

Naked Roads

Read at your own risk. May involve Traffic pornagraphy. (No, It's really good clean fun.) Also, for those of you who actually go to Mizzou, get your lazy butts out from in front of this computer screen and go pick up a copy of the Maneater, because print media is still cool.

The Premiere Column

I completely spaced on mentioning this, but for those fo you who are either too lazy to go get yourselves a copy of The Maneater, who are not currently in the Columbia, MO area, my first column is now online for your reading pleasure.

The Maneater - ‘Normal’ news can benefit from Stewart’s style

I don't think it's one of my best, truthfully, but I had to start from somewhere.